Hamlet Abridged- Episode 4: The Super Nefarious Council of Evil
by TheMeatSticks
Summary: This series is now a year-ish old!


Hamlet Abridged- Episode 4: The Super Nefarious Council of Evil

Characters-

Horatio: Is still here for some reason. But is also still sexy.

Hamlet: The protag. And sexy.

Laertes: Is he truly Danish or Italian? Or both? Italish.

Claudius: The big bad. And not sexy.

Ophelia: The ebonics'd noble woman.

Part 1-

(on the docks)

Horatio: (sighs) It's been almost two weeks since Hamlet's been gone. It seems like there's a lot going on right now, what with Ophelia's raging insanity after her dad's death.

(cuts to Ophelia break dancing)

Ophelia: Y'all gonna make me loose my mind! Up in here! Up in here!

(cuts back to Horatio at the docks)

Horatio: My missing Jaffa cakes.

(cuts to Horatio looking in the fridge)

Horatio: Godamnit, who ate my Jaffa cakes?

(sees a note from Hamlet that reads "IOU" with a heart above the I)

Horatio: Godamnit

(cuts back to Horatio)

Horatio: (sighs) It seems like so much is changing. On minute you-

Random Guy: Who are you talking to?

Horatio: Oh, no one. I'm just having a siloquey.

Random Guy: What's that?

Horatio: It's like a monologue where a character laments their thoughts to the audience.

Random Guy: That sounds fucking stupid.

Horatio: You're fucking stupid!

Random Guy: Woah, cool your jets, bro!

(random guy exits)

Horatio: Asshole (hears music)

Hamlet: (in the distance, singing) Rock your body!

Horatio: Wait a second...

Hamlet: (music draws closer) Rock your body!

Horatio: Is that who I think it is?

Hamlet: (next to him) Rock your body right! Hamlet's back, alright!

Horatio: Holy crap, you made it back!

Hamlet: Hell yeah I did. Let's go to a bar as I tell you my many tales.

Part 2-

(cuts to Hamlet and Horatio at a bar)

Horatio: So what happened?

Hamlet: (sings a modified version of the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" Theme) Well, this a story all about how my life got twist turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute, so just sit right there

about how I became the prince of a country called Denmark

In West Copenhagen, born and raised, the school is where I spent most my days

And then a dickbag king, who was up to no good, started causin' problems in the country

I stabbed a guy and my mom got scared and said "Piss off to England, you friggin' weirdo"

Horatio: Yeah, I know that part, I meant whatever happened to that whole pirate subplot. Also, you're not rhymming

Hamlet: Oh, well, I was with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern on that ship when I found this (pulls out a peice of paper). A letter to the King of England asking him to kill me. Thanfully, I forged a letter asking the king to kill Crantzy and Sterny instead.

Horatio: Aw, really, they were funny

Hamlet: No they were not!

Horatio: So then what?

Hamlet: Well I swam away and found a pirate ship that was kind enough to bring me home.

(cuts to Hamlet on a pirate ship)

Hamlet: So who were you guys again?

Captain: I'm Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be king of the pirates!

Hamlet: I find your voice annoying but I enjoy you're silly antics. Except the G8 arc, I mean holy shit. Also, can you give me the number of that dude with 3 swords. I'd like to give him 3 swords. Ha! Phallic imagery joke!

Hamlet Narrarating: And so they returned me to Denmark

(cuts back to the bar)

Horatio: That seems inpossible, but I'm just glad to have you back.

Hamlet: Yep, good to be back in your strong, sexy arms.

Horatio: Yeah, (pause) wait, what?

Hamlet: Oh, um, hey what ever happened to Fortinbras?

(cuts to Fortinbras sailing on a ship)

Fortinbras: (singing a modified version of "Thrift Shop") I'm gonna invade Denmark

The whole Polish thing was a diversion

I'm gonna usurp the Danish crown

This is a fucking spoiler

Part 3-

(Claudius in the courtyard)

Claudius: (sighs) It's been almost 2 weeks since Hamlet left. It seems like there-

Messanger: Sir, I have a report!

Claudius: God, what is it now?

Messanger: It's Laertes, sir

Claudius: Wait, you mean the minor character from episode 2? The one that spoke in the Italian accent which no one though was funny?

Messanger: The same, sir. Apparently he's amassed an army to kill you.

Claudius: What the shit? Why me?

Messanger: He thinks you killed Polonius.

(a group of people burst through the door carrying weapons and torches)

Crowd: You killed Polonius!

Claudius: I didn't kill Polonius!

Crowd: He didn't kill Polonius!

(the crowd leaves as Laertes enters)

Laetes: (still talking in a Italian accent) You-a killed my papa, you sonuva not very nice lady!

Claudius: Ok, how is it whenever someone dies they blame it on me! First it's the king then-

Laertes: Cosa?

Claudius: What?

Laertes: It-a means what

Claudius: I know what "what" means, I meant what did you say?

Laetes: No-a, I just-a thought you said-a something about the dead king

Claudius: Nope, that is a fallacy

Laetes: Are you-a sure? I thought-

Claudius: No, no, you're drinking whacky juice

Laertes: No, I'm-a not drinkin' the juice of de whack

Claudius: I assure you that you are. You're just as crazy as Ophelia.

Laertes: Wait, what's-a wrong with-a my sister?

(enter Ophelia break dancing)

Ophelia: It's tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time. It's tricky! Tricky, tricky, tricky!

Laertes: My-a dear sister! What-a happened to you?

Ophelia: Yo yo! muh mothu fuckin' handsome brudda, what chew trippin' foo?

Leartes: Why do you-a talk in this-a crazy way-a? Che chazzo?

Claudius: (glaring at Laertes) Are you fucking kidding me?

Ophelia: Yo, ah be going to hang out near da spring, otay buh-weet?

(exit Ophelia)

Claudius: Listen to me Laertes. Hamlet killed Polonius.

Laertes: Cosa? How is that possible?

Claudius: He stabbed him. In, like, a vital artery.

Laertes: I meant-a why did he-a kill my papa?

Claudius: I don't know, I guess he's just an asshole

Laertes: I have-a to avenge my papa!

Claudius: I agree (to messanger) assemble the council!

(some time later)

Claudius: Alright, now that the The Super Nefarious Council of Evil has been assembled let's do a roll call. Magneto?

Magneto: Here.

Claudius: Marik Ishtar?

Marik: Present.

Laertes: It's-a pretty risky having a character here that's-a already been-a parodied.

Claudius: Liquid Snake?

Liquid Snake: Here.

Marik: Wait, weren't you a good guy in MGS V?

Magneto: Wait, I thought he was the guy from the first game who was all like "did you like my sunglasses?"

Liquid Snake: Ah, well that's an interesting story, see-

Claudius: Enough! We aren't here to discuss our convoluted plotlines! We are here to crush Hamlet!

Magneto: With metal!

Liquid Snake: With diologue!

Marik: With card games!

Laertes: (speaking in a low and gruff voice. No Italian) By tearing his godamn throat out as we watch him crawl and beg for his pathetic life.

Magneto and Liquid Snake: Woah, woah

Marik: Yeah, chill the fuck out dude

Messanger: Sir! Hamlet's returned!

Claudius: Wait, how long have you been standing here?

Messanger: Well, you never told me not to stand here

Cludius: Fair enough.

Laertes: Look-a, why don't-a I just challenge him in a duel and stab him a bunch-a.

Claudius: Yeah, and we can cover your sword in poison, in order to add insult to injury

Magneto: In this case, addaing death to even more death

Laertes: We could-a probably poison his-a drink, too. Just-a to make sure he really punches-a the bottle

Claudius: Do you mean kick the can?

Laertes: Si

Messanger: Sir! Ophelia just drowned

Claudius: Fuck me, how?

Messanger: Um, well...

(cuts to the messanger standing outisde near the spring)

Messanger: 103, 104, aaan 105! Damn, you were right you can hold your breath for that long.

Opehlia:...

Messanger: Oh, shit

(cuts back)

Messanger: She, uh, committed suicide or something.

Claudius: What do you mean "or something"? Was she just like "I am going to die now"? Or in that fruitcake's case, she would of said "Imma shank myself nig-

Laertes: (non-Italian anger) That motherfucker Hamlet! I'll gut him like a godamn fish!

(Laertes storms off)

Claudius: Christ, I'd better go after him. Nothing is worse than a greiving Italian.

Marik: I thought he was Danish. Actually, I'm pretty sure everyone is supposed to be Danish.

(Claudius exits)

Liquid: So, wait, were we all just here for the sake of a bad joke?

Magneto: Well, there's been references to One Peice, Metal Gear Solid, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I don't think we can get any lower unless we have a Star Wars reference.

(enter Kylo Ren)

Kylo: Hey, guys!

Marik: Fuck off!

Magneto: You'll never be Darth Vader!

Kylo: (crying) This is why I never come here!


End file.
